This is the lesson in life that I hate- the class I would rather die, yes die- then take…loss…My brother died a year ago and I still can’t believe it. I miss him so much.
I am lying in my bed trying to get some peace after the end of a long week and my neighbors are blasting Weezer- “my name is Jonas”. I wanted to yell at them but decided to drown in pills to numb my own thoughts. How are they to know I immediately remember jammin to that whole album with him- and the way he would do the air guitar and the expression on his face? My heart twists and claws to get out- to not hurt. My brother struggled with depression too and I’m mad he’s not here to talk with anymore. He understood me. He just got it. I feel like I am drifting in a sea of tears that have become a frozen pond- and I am frostbitten- but I can’t die-I’m just stuck. I miss his craziness, I miss how much he loved me- he loved hard- he didn’t care about what others thought-it was an honor to be loved by him. He never made me feel bad for who I was- it didn’t matter what I was into or what stage I was emersed in- he loved me incredibly much.
How do I grieve? I saw a grief counselor for a while and it was good but then it wasn’t. The “tools”do not always work. Write about it- work out- scream, she said. Ok- now what? Guess what, I am still angry and devastated! My daughter died seven years ago and no tool has helped me feel better. I guess it is learning how to live incomplete and to trust a world that has proven unfaithful.
Sometimes I feel like an infant- crying in my crib, just waiting for arms of comfort to scoop me up and rock me to sleep.
Thus far on my journey I have learned: there is this hole that burns and weeps- there is a constant fire that spreads and stings- it happens when you lose a loved one-its name is grief.
screaming from my deathbed 
Wrapping you up in love…
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You’re amazing- thank you ❤️
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I have no words, except I feel the need for some reason.
First, How did I get here you might ask. I stumbled upon your blog from a comment you made on a blog of someone who means a lot to me.
I have no background, only this particular post and my friend’s. I also have only little experience with what you speak of, mostly indirectly.
I will say this. Find happiness. Find happiness in big things, little things, things that matter to no one else. Be content. Be content in the the things you succeed (and fail) in. Be content in knowing that you are here, for a purpose. Strive for more. Strive for more in your life that you need. Strive for it all. Hopes and dreams, loves and friends.
An interesting quote I found that helped me in a very low time in my life:
“Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, Faith looks up” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
And though the faith part simply doesnt apply to me in the way it was likely meant in the quote, it helped me put faith in myself to move forward and into the good, bad, and unknown of tomorrow.
Maybe this wont help at all but I felt compelled to write it regardless. Remove it if you wish, I will not be offended.
I hope this helps in some fashion.
J
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Thank you so much for talking to me here. I would absolutely not remove your words. I am so glad you followed your instinct to share with me. Your words touched me and I really felt them and sank them into my spirit. I truly appreciate your time and your beautiful heart sharing with me. I adore your name “just J”
Thank you 💖
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I too lost my brother 1.5years back! Really touched me! Somethings (people) are lost forever
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Bhumi, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I have really been missing him lately even more. Thoughts and memories flood my mind and it hurts so much I want to just runaway- but I can’t. I miss him so much. I am glad you are here as a reminder I am not alone- but ofcourse I am so sorry for your loss. Love to you Bhumi.
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I am sorry too.
I miss him too but we can’t undo certain things! It’s painful. I wish they could come back but we are helpless! So let’s try and be happy for them:)
Love to you too dear☺
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Ok, I will try knowing you are trying too ❤️❤️
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Ya☺❤
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:))
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It dawned on me today to allow the scripts for gravatar on my browser, and thus the mystery of how to read gravatar profiles was dispelled. This is why I do not think I have visited this blog of yours before now, and why I am now here. It’s a peculiar property of life, that things tend to reveal themselves all of a sudden, and just sort of happen when they do.
I think healing from grief works very similarly. We can use or have access to any tool in the box, and we can use them until we are blue in the face if we wish – time is the determining factor, along with a willingness, and the necessary patience, to heal. I think counselors, therapists – even medications and religions – all play their part, as do the various bits of advice offered by friends, family, and even strangers on the Internet … but we are not formed from cookie-cutters, and what affects us is as profoundly individual as we are. Therefore, what works for some, or even many, may not work for one; thus time remains the one thing that seems to cater to us all.
I think the worst mistake that can be made with grief is to feel ashamed of it – or ourselves for suffering from it. I made this mistake when my daughter died. I made it again when my mother died. In the deaths that have happened around me since, I have not made that mistake. I may not dwell on my grief for very long; but I still grieve as long as I feel the need to, and do not feel ashamed for doing so.
Similarly, I think one of the things we tend to do ‘right’ when it comes to grief is to be aware that our loved ones have gone on to a better place. Even for the atheists in the world, death removes one from the worries and suffering that even a good life inevitably brings with it. From what I have been able to read from you, it looks like you are on a good path – you do not shame yourself for your grief, you allow yourself to experience it, you explore it, and through this you dispel its power over you. At the same time, you strike me as a person filled with a large reservoir of faith, having a really good idea that your loved ones, your child and your brother, have moved to a better place.
Have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps the souls of your daughter and brother both chose shorter lives before coming to this world, just for the chance to experience life with you? My guess is, with your sense of humility, that this thought hasn’t crossed your mind – but the possibility exists, just the same as it may be that you chose the life you have in order to have encountered two very dear souls in this world, among others. If this line of supposition holds any water, then it’s reasonable to imagine that your daughter and brother are content and smiling, having experienced life with you.
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