Screaming From My Deathbed
I dedicate this site to my daughter, Isabelle, my best friend who I miss with every breath and within each second. Isabelle passed away 7 years ago and I have yet to process it. She is hidden so far down inside, but little by little she is speaking to me and I am digging in to find the strength to truly allow myself to grieve the loss of my baby girl. I know I will never be whole again, but I do I believe the hurting heart buried in my chest can feel the warmth of healing.
I am also dedicating this site to my Joe, my brother. Joseph Michael-Big J. I am very fresh in this loss that sitting here I can feel the anger and nausea rising up to my throat as it tightens. This is where I SCREAM. WHY?! My brother was young, handsome, funny-hilarious actually-freaking amazing human being. I am his “little sis” he called me “little K”. I always wanted to be like my brother-I remember him pushing me on his skateboard-I remember him teaching me how to peg my pants-yep-long ago. I remember it all-33 years of a brother who was deep and a genius-a total love. Just about a year ago I said goodbye to my brother-brain dead and breathing tubes. He was young, it was not expected. His wife is a widow at 32 years. I am in shock, denial, honestly, I am pissed- really pissed that I’ve met death again. Why him..why him…
I started this blog to help process my grief- to help me start sharing about my daughter and to make it so I don’t forget about my brother. To scream- to shout- cry-tell stories-express through words and photographs. My life is a little hectic, so when I can’t stomach to talk about my grief-I’ll share other stuff, my past life craziness, lessons learned, badges earned- raising two gorgeous children on my own. Dark days, good days, bad days, super dark days, just tiny steps and then sometimes insane leaps on the journey…of me. Xo