Screaming Grief

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Hooded_Skater_Angel_with_board_by_uhpheo

Screaming From My Deathbed

I dedicate this site to my daughter, Isabelle, my best friend who I miss with every breath and within each second. Isabelle passed away 7 years ago and I have yet to process it.  She is hidden so far down inside, but little by little she is speaking to me and I am digging in to find the strength to truly allow myself to grieve the loss of my baby girl.  I know I will never be whole again, but I do I believe the hurting heart buried in my chest can feel the warmth of healing.

I am also dedicating this site to my Joe, my brother. Joseph Michael-Big J. I am very fresh in this loss that sitting here I can feel the anger and nausea rising up to my throat as it tightens.  This is where I SCREAM. WHY?! My brother was young, handsome, funny-hilarious actually-freaking amazing human being. I am his “little sis” he called me “little K”.  I always wanted to be like my brother-I remember him pushing me on his skateboard-I remember him teaching me how to peg my pants-yep-long ago.  I remember it all-33 years of a brother who was deep and a genius-a total love.  Just about a year ago I said goodbye to my brother-brain dead and breathing tubes. He was young, it was not expected. His wife is a widow at 32 years.  I am in shock, denial, honestly, I am pissed- really pissed that I’ve met death again. Why him..why him…

I started this blog to help process my grief- to help me start sharing about my daughter and to make it so I don’t forget about my brother. To scream- to shout- cry-tell stories-express through words and photographs. My life is a little hectic, so when I can’t stomach to talk about my grief-I’ll share other stuff, my past life craziness, lessons learned, badges earned- raising two gorgeous children on my own. Dark days, good days, bad days, super dark days, just tiny steps and then sometimes insane leaps on the journey…of me. Xo

-SG

 

 

48 thoughts on “Screaming Grief”

  1. iku2e says:
    March 9, 2015 at 1:47 am

    god bless you. everything will be ok

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Mark Lanesbury says:
    March 9, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    There is no pain like it, but in time…much time, the agony of it subsides. And most of all, the strength and love it creates within shines out because you have been through that crucible to find that beauty within.
    It does seem so unfair, those beautiful lives that were so much a part of who you are, to be so quickly gone. But you are now giving from such a part of you that is now opening.
    To be able to express how you feel that will help you to adjust to such a change. It is time to heal and know that their love is always there. It is always a part of who you are, and always will be. And never forgotten because of that.
    Sending love and light for your awareness of that journey from the heart. Namaste

    Liked by 5 people

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    • Souldiergirl says:
      March 9, 2015 at 5:43 pm

      Wow! Thank you so much. I feel emotionally touched and blown away by what you’ve written to me here. I feel wisdom and understanding from you that I don’t often come across when talking about grief. From my heart and my spirit I really thank you so much for your gift to me today. So loved and appreciated. ❤️

      Liked by 6 people

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      • Mark Lanesbury says:
        March 10, 2015 at 12:33 am

        My pleasure Soldiergirl. Just be gentle with yourself as your heart goes through so many stages of the grief. They know you loved them with all your heart. Now they need you to give that love to you, heal from the pain, and be that truth within and then begin again and give from that place.
        It takes time, and by giving yourself time you are being loving to yourself. Don’t put any expectations on yourself, or even from well meaning loved ones. Yes, they love you too, and they only mean well. But it is when you are ready that you can move on. I feel that time is now but again I ask, be gentle. Some days are good and some are not. But that is to show you where you are within. It is a process to allow you to move forward and keep the love that those two beautiful people meant to you.
        When you look back you will see and feel the beauty that this process has now created. And in that time you will also see how you have changed and become a more open and loving person BECAUSE of what you went through.
        Sending love, light and understanding that you see what the love you all created has now begun to build within. Namaste

        Liked by 4 people

      • Souldiergirl says:
        March 10, 2015 at 12:44 am

        I’m crying as I read this. It’s as if you are opening my soul with the most beautiful words, like you know me. Others have tried but somehow in this day you have spoken beneath the waves of chaos and deeply affected me. How do you just know? Are you an angel? Tears my friend, I am beyond words. Namaste

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Mark Lanesbury says:
    March 10, 2015 at 2:18 am

    No, not an angel, but definitely a messenger. As I do my work as a healer, spirit (my higher self), comes through and shows me many things. I think, in my case, it is referred to as a ‘knowing’.
    On my site, up on the menu bar, I explain how we all can connect with the spirit within as we go through life. The hard part is, to open to spirit we have to move the many walls we build in our lives to allow that beautiful, unconditional love to come through.
    Spirit said to me it was very simple, as we knock a wall down we are in fact facing those fears that build those walls AND being loving to ourselves by facing those fears.
    As you go through this very hard time, you ARE releasing a lot of fear, anger, frustration and a dozen more emotions that are connected to how you feel about what has happened. And as you understand what has happened, you are in fact removing any uncomfortable and sometimes unloving thoughts about yourself and others around you. It is in fact removing walls and allowing yourself to be more loving to yourself. THAT is the secret to gradually finding that beauty within.
    I have reached a place that I can now ‘see’ the many interactions that we go through to find ourselves. Find that love within and know its purpose.
    One of the biggest things to understand is, all happens for a reason. And I mean wars, murders, hate just as much as the good things in life. How can you know and appreciate someone’s love unless you have been treated poorly. If everything was just so, and ho hum, our lives would be very poor indeed. But because we have touched those opposites, love, hate, good, bad…we then appreciate all that we then experience.
    You have been shown a great blessing, even in its pain, the journey that will now take place as you become more loving to yourself AND come another step closer to what is deep in your heart. Unconditional love.
    I have touched it, and the most incredibly beautiful experience I could not hope to try to express in words…but know this, once felt, nothing in this world is ever wrong again, no judgement, no anger, no pain…it all has purpose, to bring a heart to that one place inside us all, and be free, open and totally loving to everything BECAUSE of that total love of self.
    Sorry if I sound like I’m ‘out there’, but it is something that I have experienced. And because of my ‘healing the heart from within’ understanding, I was asked by spirit to put it out there for those who may find understanding within it. And not all will ring any bells, no two journeys are the same. But it is a place to get an understanding of this journey on this big blue beautiful planet, and realise it does have purpose and not just a junket ride as we zoom through space.
    I hope this helps, and gives you some peace in your heart as you do go through something that will eventually give you understanding and a truth to who you really are within, and also realise that those two lovely people in your life have shown you a journey with great love…to find the love within you. Namaste

    Liked by 5 people

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    • Souldiergirl says:
      March 11, 2015 at 6:43 am

      Oh my goodness! Reading your words are like opening souls window! Please stay connected with me. This is like a sign from the spirit to me- through you, yes as a messenger. I don’t think you’re out there at all- I think you are right on. I am experiencing some of what you are describing of purity and love on a very low level- as my feelings of hurt and anger still stir and purge. I will absolutely read up on your page- and may we please keep in touch? You have ministered to me in such deep way. Xo- you are a gift.

      Liked by 3 people

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  4. Mark Lanesbury says:
    March 11, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    Ok Soldiergirl, read The Heart, The Journey, The Beginning etc up on the menu bar at my site. Or even the posts on my home page. You will connect to whatever resonates within you. If you would like to speak something more private, go to my contact page and if I can help from there I will. Namaste

    Liked by 4 people

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  5. Seafarrwide says:
    March 16, 2015 at 12:02 am

    Dear girl so sorry for your loss, may writing help ease the pain x

    Liked by 2 people

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  6. Louis says:
    April 6, 2015 at 3:21 am

    https://lewisfoxy2.wordpress.com/hommage-a-la-femme/

    Liked by 2 people

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  7. henrywest says:
    April 15, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    Please shout, scream and cry. It’s all we must do to get through. The loss of loved ones is the ultimate loss. Know that so many are with you and we can be here to read, learn, understand and care. Please take those little moments of joy that will push their way through the haze and relish them. Soon you will smile. I know the weakness and contempt you feel. Feel it make it part of you. You will never fully recover but you will be more. It’s up to us to live for them. The responders and likers are the proof that so many care. Peace to you

    Liked by 2 people

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  8. Ileana says:
    April 26, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    I want the cool winds of April to carry with him my warmest thoughts and in my soul spring blossom into a smile on your face and a fericeasca you even for a moment!

    Liked by 1 person

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  9. poetry and chocolate and books says:
    April 30, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Hey! I just nominated you for the Creative Blogger Award. 🙂 For details check this link: https://poetryandchocolateandbooks.wordpress.com/2015/04/30/creative-blogger-award/

    Liked by 3 people

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  10. lavender rose says:
    May 5, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    never gone are the souls that dwell in our heart, blessed be this journey home as they are always with us eternally, forever and a day!

    Liked by 2 people

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  11. stacilys says:
    May 7, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Oh wow Soldiergirl. this is so very strong and heart-wrenching. I can’t possibly imagine what you have felt, nor how you are feeling still today. May you truly find healing and some soothing peace for your grief.

    Liked by 2 people

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  12. parispoems says:
    May 29, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    sis…I’m at a loss for words just now…can’t see my keys through my tears…be back in a few…loving and hugging you ❤
    Paris

    Liked by 2 people

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  13. amommasview says:
    May 29, 2015 at 5:33 pm

    The best way to keep them alive is to tell their stories. I feel for you. As a mother of a girl and a boy and also as a sister to a brother…

    Liked by 2 people

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  14. Louis says:
    June 12, 2015 at 6:14 am

    Liked by 3 people

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  15. Louis says:
    June 12, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. Louis says:
    June 12, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Liked by 3 people

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  17. Louis says:
    June 18, 2015 at 12:15 am

    http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/b500fda56ac734e53c89a176217499ca

    Liked by 3 people

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  18. JunkChuck says:
    July 14, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    I love your blog and your sharing your journey with us–because it is a journey. A child and a brother–I can’t begin to imagine. I went through a period of about 15 months, a few years back, when I lost my best friend since childhood, then my brother-in-law, my dad, my grandmother, and then another close friend who was also a coach and mentor to my children. Only my grandmother’s death was expected, the others were untimely and cruel, especially my brother in law who lived a year with terminal cancer before leaving my sister and her four daughters, the oldest of who was 15. It has been devastating to my sister, who refuses to acknowledge how the loss has owned her life, or that she’d be better off talking about things. I wish she’d find an outlet like this–I sent her a link, but it has to be in her own time, i guess. For me, it is deeply comforting just to know that we’re all out here together, doing the best that we can. I hope that those of us who follow you wonderful words and photos have returned to some so modicum of that comfort

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Souldiergirl says:
      July 14, 2015 at 11:35 pm

      Your words are so kind. Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am so sorry for your losses- I truly am. My daughters death has really impacted me and it is so hard for me to talk about, it is frozen in that time and so much of my life and memories are frozen with it. Writing has been so healing for me. I am able to get it out here, it has become not only an outlet for me but also a source of comfort and encouragement. Like you said, knowing I am not alone in this journey. How does one even begin to navigate a journey of loss? There is no compass for that! But there is friends on that same road, with flashlights and stories and encouraging words- I do not know what I would do without this place. Thank you so much for your words. I will keep your sister close to my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

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  19. Janice Wald says:
    August 7, 2015 at 1:25 am

    Hi,
    This is a beautiful mission you have here–helping the grieving heal.
    I know Yelling Rosa and Lis. I met you on Jo’s blog. Thank you for liking my article about how Pinterest helps writers. Nice to meet you.
    Janice

    Liked by 1 person

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  20. metinbicen says:
    September 1, 2015 at 11:59 pm

    After reading this I really don’t know what to say. I could say ‘I understand you’ but I don’t. Only the one who has lost someone he/she love can understand you.
    I am a medic in a big hospital. I see people dying everyday, suffering from cancer and various illnesses in front their family. I know it’s not something people can understand easily.

    Liked by 1 person

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  21. cheflauracerullo says:
    September 5, 2015 at 6:15 am

    You are such a beautiful soul. Grief, I find, can be an overwhelming emotion and one that often spurs me to appreciate the simpler times when I was so blissfully unaware of how sublimely perfect everything was. People that know true pain don’t let themselves become wrapped up in drama, dishonesty and worry at the small stuff. You are a different breed. Your poetry is electric, a joy to read, and i hope this blog provides the solace you search for. You are ah-mazing. 🙂 I applaud you!

    Liked by 1 person

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