Category Archives: me

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My brother-The Organ Donor pt.1

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Sitting in a small white room
A man and his clipboard
Myself, my mother, my brothers wife, her mother and grandmother
He’s explaining the current status of my brother
We are numbed balls of white cotton
Nodding our heads
Stuttering on questions
“So…he will eventually be ok.. He will come out of this”
“Yes.. He squeezed my hand, I know he did”
Brain dead
“I’m sorry…what?”
Explanation, shallow apologies
Medical…terminology
“Laymen terms please”
Brain dead
So…his license says
Organ donor…
Saving lives, hollow hollow
What he wanted… Hum hum blah blah
Slow motion talk
Glasses, eyes black
“I’m sorry, who are you again”
The devil tearing down the white picket fence
“Oh ok”
In the same breath he tells us the man we love is dead,
He asks if we can sign papers
To agree for his precious body to be picked apart by vultures
Ding dong it’s the donor
“Are you joking me”
These suits have soulless passion in a situation where there should
Never
Ever
Be…

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Drag of Sorrow

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Puffing on these veins
Your death has sucked
The life out of me
With a missing smile
And sharpened teeth
Plunging your heartbeat
Into the graveyard of memory
I find it hard to remember
Anything
Without choking on the chills of
Everything
The way we played
The melody that danced between us
Now a string of fractured notes
Lost without a rhythm
Try to recreate your scent
By burning every last cigarette
Until 3 a.m
When our conversations usually ended
Now the vapors hang the loudest
Death stole you
Before we were ready
It’s the heaviest drag of sorrow
My lungs exposed
Decomposed and unsteady

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Disappear

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You disappeared
Into the moon
I seek your glow
Since your body has vanished
You are but a hush
You are but ashes
I cry out for you
But you don’t come
Just a recurring blue wind
The blackness, now my only friend
You are but a memory
You are but a tragedy
My ache worsens everyday
And nothing remedies me
Since there’s only scars
Where you used to breathe
I watched you go down
I screamed and spun out
As they took you away
Trading organs
Like it were a game
You are but a number
You are but a price tag
If I could leave
I’d disappear too
I disclose no blame
Only envy toward you
You are free from this sickness
The dying world
How it schemes and tricks us
You are but a whisper
You are but a dream
And I die every second
To be that too

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Death Trap

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Death

Is here again
The tragedy of my bleeding pen
Please go from me
Inflicting splinters where I sewed peace
Injecting toxins
Into crystalline syringes
Filled with pumps of grief
Push in and prick me
You appear so elegant
Turning heads
Whispering….follow me
Eyes distracted by your beauty
Now lay buried underneath me
Are you really unaware
With your pearls and sweltering halo
That I do not see through you
Straight into the pupils of the devil
I feel you looming
Like a kitten licking my feet
Starts so innocently
Until the Tiger sinks in her teeth
You see me as meat
Not a soul with a heartbeat
Not the path I’ve been
But the grave I’m laid in
You hover so near
And there is nothing I can do
How many will you take this time
One
Or two
Why is it always me
And never you
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I heard about your news…

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I found out you’re engaged today

Don’t be perplexed
I’m happy you’ve found your way
Just snagged my breath for a minute
Feel like life escaped me
As I remain in the distance
I remember when I dreamed of
A husband and a family
I fought so hard to keep it together
But it wasn’t meant to be
Turned out I married someone
Who got off on hurting me
So I climbed away
Only to be bruised again
The prop of a fake proposal
Oh the hurt when he rubbed that in
Just a game piece for a lie
But no time is mine to cry
For I long to catch up with life
Maybe it should have been me
I should’ve been your wife
Instead I wear the soldiers badge
In the fight of my life
It wasn’t meant to be
The happy family thing
For me
But today when I heard your news
It took me back
To when time called me a little girl
Against the openness of the grass
Wishing on a daisy
Playing house
A mama and a baby
Never dreamed my wishes would
Fall so far
A husband as a monster
And a gravesite covering my daughter
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Split

So, I’m getting ready to go out for my birthday celebration.  Honestly I was surprised when a group of friends insisted on celebrating me-it feels really good.  The older I get, birthdays become a bit more obsolete or maybe even a disappointment when I realize that as an adult the celebration of birth is more of an afterthought to the priorities of mommyhood and other what nots. Anyway, this year has been a rare gift. I’ve already been flown to another state in celebration of my Aquarian month and it was wonderful.  It’s not like being a kid and having to subtlety drop hints (or not so subtle as the case of my babies) More like a super busy adult being caught off guard by already being able to see my two best friends and having three separate outings planned for me. Really, this never happens… but I’m letting it come upon me like a golden sun and as uncomfortable as it might feel, I am accepting the love.

But the thing about losing someone, the thing about grief..is that it hurts even more on birthdays, holidays…any type of elation is pinged with major grief pangs. Last year at this time my brother and I were talking- he was alive. He was doing what he does and making me laugh. He was being unconditional in his loving beautiful ways. During this time last year my brother and I were playing phone tag and now I’m grateful for that because I have a grip of messages with his voice. I have him singing happy birthday to me, I have him rapping happy birthday to me..in a voice imitating slim shady. Just him, making me laugh, being goofy. Damn I miss him so much and I’ve listened to his messages at least a hundred times. Ahhh! That’s how it feels. I’m completely split in two. Half Happy; I have my support group who has stuck with and supported me through my heart breaking and at times joyful journey- happy that they are remembering me and honoring me and making me feel loved and special. The other half of me is stuck in a muddied world. My legs are frozen in an ice pond and I can’t move. I still can’t believe he is gone. I’m not ever going to get that call again. How can this be real? Put the brakes on! Stop! I don’t want to go through this season without hearing from him. “They” say not to live in the past but that is where half of me is. Stuck on repeat, on an answering machine.

Joe-
Hey there big bro
I miss you so much
My soul longs for yours
To touch
To hold
I hear your voice
Repeated
And
Repeated
I have memorized it
The tone the pitch
Your humor
Your uniqueness
All I want for my birthday
Is to wake from this nightmare
I still can’t believe
I’ve lost my brother
I beg for signs
That you can hear me
I’m still part normal
But these days
I feel half crazy

I freaking love you J
Love, me

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Dying Birthday Blues

Joe-

Dying birthday blues

ruffle my feathers

and drown me in doom

I miss you oh I miss you bro

I miss you oh I miss you so

I’m in a state of emergency

The suffering is spiked without you

I’m feeling the sense of urgency

The torment where you once were

I play your birthday song

Over and over

On my melodic tape recorder

It was last year

Messages from my big brother

I had no clue

The shadows would take you

Grant my birthday wish

And let them absorb me too

Another year older

Another second closer

To you

To you

To you

Love, your little sis

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My Soul Sister

Yesterday was a grand celebration

The birthday of a gorgeous creation

A best friend, A soul mate

No spirit will ever take your place

You fly by my side

Through grief and pain

Your faithfulness abides

Thank you for being in my life

You are bound in beauty and strength

You fight hard with a rugged grace

Simple poetry can’t truly convey

The way you’ve never left my side

Through tragedies and pain

My girl remains

Pure and true

A soul connection

Never to be split in two

 

* I love you Megs, so much.  Happy birthday beautiful. Thank you for being in my life and never fading your support and encouragement.  I can’t wait to squeeze you so soon Starshine!

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